psycho journo

2011 look back to 1997 onset tinnitus

2011-01-15T04:11:00.000-10:00

...

2011

Looking back.

Pretty pissed off, really.

Fourteen years of mosquito whine inside my head. Now, news of a pill.

A pill to rebalance my brain. Back to a beneficial balance of brain activity. One not including tinnitus. My friend wakes up bleary one morning:

"Hey. Not sure if this is something, but how do I make a translation?"

Kitchen. Back to the table.

>>> maxiscience French article micropondre

>>> English Nature article microponder

"Not sure," I tell him.

Sit, start searching.

Scared.

...

I think I am going mad

2011-01-15T04:00:00.000-10:00

...

1997

Scratchy. An orange and brown polyester couch, scruff, rough. Solid. I curl into its warmth. Unbidden, my mind announces:

"I think I am going mad."

Quite distinctly.

...

tinnitus and stockholm syndrome

2011-01-15T03:29:00.000-10:00

...

Leaning.
Stove top
Elbows locked

14 years
melt underway
ear alert, mosquito-like

24.7
waking hour
resting moment

whine
tinnitus whine
never ending mosquito whine

and now
promise of a pill
cancelling years of pull
from aural
evil.

. ..

founding editorial - crazy mate

2008-09-11T15:48:00.000-10:00

FOUNDING EDITORIAL | crazy, mate

by avaiki news agency editor jason brown

"Oh. So, he's crazy."

A Tahiti mate is reading through an analysis of another mate, describing his years-long struggle with depression.

An analysis written by one crazy guy about another, example of blind leading the blind.

CRAZY

I was a little offended at the time.

"No, he's not crazy, really, just suffering from depression."

Huh, said my mate, still reading my rough, Google translation.

TRUTH

Truth is, he was right.

Depression, quite literally, leaves a mate crazy. Robs them of reason, perspective and ability to pull socks up, or even get out of bed, most days. Winston Churchill described depression as a black dog that gets fangs round the throat and won't let go, no matter how many gasps of "nice doggy."

John Kirwan was an All Black on a world-beating rugby team, later confessing publicly to depression. A mate asked him: "got that black dog on a leash yet?"

ILLUSIONS

As a journalist, I have felt personally, totally overwhelmed by weight of profession.

I made the mistake of reading history books to gain perspective on my own situation.

The most depressing book was called Illusion of Victory, an entertaining in-depth look at participants of World War One. In the last chapter, the author, ????, made links between events of the "war to end all wars" and the second world war, between that war and today. Same oil, same family dynasties, same countries: the United States of America, and the disunited states of Arabia.

PARIS

I remember a taxi ride into Paris, from the grey concrete awfullness of the Charles de Gaulle airport, and felt no joy, no romance, just deep sadness.

Maybe I was just tired.

After all, I had just spent five days working almost around the clock, and was coming down from the incredible high of meeting, briefly, Nelson Mandela and Bill Clinton, in the same room, at the same conference, with a close friend as their guest speaker. Bit hard to live up to that, but I still believe, from then to now, that Paris is a city of secrets, hiding endless anguish.

INSANITY

One of the worst things about mental illness is that, when you start to recover, you start to recognise signs of insanity, in nearly every one.

All sorts of 'normal' people, all stressed, barely able to keep a conversation going for 30 seconds, builders and bureaucrats, gingerly slurping take-out coffee, exhibiting early symptoms of mental breakdown.

This is not comforting.

TIME

Best, biggest picture I've seen of mental illness was a two page graphic in Time magazine.

Either side of an allegedly 'normal' middle, a spectrum of symptoms, alarming numbers of human stories, of sliding into insanity for seconds, minutes, lifetimes.

Ever stared, eyes wide open? For a few minutes? Like, at your desk? Or at the wheel? That's called "losing it" - a momentary absence of presence so deep, so complete, a driver cannot even remember the last five kilometres, or fifty.

WOW

Yeah, exactly.

So a driver says "wow" and shakes awake, learns a lesson.

Mental illness is exactly like that, except it can go on for hours, days, months, years, decades, you get the picture. The Time magazine graphic gave context, giving comfort.

TIPPING POINT

Few times, against a railing high above the ground, I just felt like reaching a tipping point, leaning forward, letting go.

Not particularly sad, nor angry, just exhausted.

Exhausted from the endless stupidity of my own mind, thrashing out ethical conundrums, emotional turmoil. Churn, churn, churn, I was in every way a 'churnalist' - rehashing bad propaganda from my own personal Ministry of Misery.

GUILT

Guilt.

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Head-in-hands guilt, stay-in-bed-three-days guilt, trembling, shivering and whimpering guilt, not for murder most foul, or even much sauciness, or silliness, much, just mostly neglected responsibilities, fatherhood, family, business, friends, all beningly dismissed night-after-night, hitting the piss.

TOMORROW

Warm glow of whisky, easing the guilt, assuring oneself of the possibility, however remote, of making it all alright, tomorrow.

Apopo.

And one drink slides deliciously into one year, then a decade, or two, or three, even more.

GIVE IT A GO, MATE

My mum is famous for ambling anecdotes - Aunty Anecdote one friend nicknamed her - and I fear I am no different.

I remember, quite vividly, one day about ten years ago, my host in Apia pulling her SUV up to a slow stop at one of the capital's few pedestrian crossings. A blind man was leading a blind man across. They knew it, tap-by-tap, these blind men, natives of Samoa, holding hands in a world of darkness and sound. They weren't crazy, but they looked it.

Remarking enthusiastically, I joked to my host about an expression, a phrase, a euphemism coming alive in front of our eyes, and she laughed. Give it a go, mate, I wondered, awed.

. . .

mental health | new zealand

2008-09-11T15:37:00.000-10:00

. . .

COMMENT

Kiwis work the second longest hours in the world, second only to Nippon.

In Japan, there is a concept of hiroshi, or death from overwork. In New Zealand Incoporated, however, there is no recognition of such a concept.

Just "overwhelming" response to a national icon, a rugby player, confessing on TV, as part of an awareness campaign, to depression. So far, no media have taken the trouble to compare health or other aspects of the world's two hardest working, most free-market economies.

. . .

about me

2008-09-11T15:32:00.000-10:00

. . .

ABOUT ME

Psycho journo is founded by one of the mad dogs of journalism, long-time island troublemaker, Jason Brown.

Still slightly rabid, Brown long exhibited symptoms of mental illness, but is dealing with it increasingly well.

So well, he's got comfortable enough to go public. He promises to stop referring to himself in the third person very, very soon.

. . .

about psycho journo

2008-09-11T15:27:00.000-10:00

. . .

ABOUT US

Mental health remains a taboo the world over.

A guy falls down a flight of stairs, blind drunk, breaks both legs, gets taken to hospital, fixed up and laughed at, for example.

Admit to mental illness, however, and awkward silence ensues. This site is about filling those awkward silences, about personal transparency and accountability, about aro'a - love, compassion. Contributing editors welcome, comments warmly embraced, criticism seriously considered.

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. . .

what WHO says

2008-09-11T15:23:00.000-10:00

. . .

COMMENT

By 2015, mental illness will be the developed world's leading health issue.

By 2050, the developing world as well.

First, second or third world, ordinary people, workers, are being worked too hard, too fast, for too long, according to the World Health Organisation.

. . .

most transparent accountable person on the planet

2008-09-11T08:58:00.000-10:00

. . .

NEWS

yes, i'm news.

I'm the most transparent, accountable person on the planet.

That's not just a boast.

It's an encouragement, as well.

y'all up for this?

jas

. . .